I just looked up today
And realized how far away I am from where You are
You gave me life worth dying for
But between the altar and the door
I bought the lies that promised more
And here I go again


Lord, I know I let You down
But somehow, I will make You proud
I'll turn this sinking ship around
And make it back to You
But all my deeds and my good name
Are just dirty rags that tear and strain
To cover all my guilty stains
That You already washed away


('Cause) All You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted
All You've ever wanted was my heart
Freedom's arms are open, my chains have all been broken
Relentless love has called me from the start
And all You wanted was my heart


I was chasing healing when I'd been made well
I was fighting battles when You conquered hell
Living free but from a prison cell
Lord, I lay it down today


So I'll stop living off of how I feel
And start standing on Your truth revealed
Jesus is my strength, my shield
And He will never fail me
No more chains, I've been set free
No more fighting battles You've won for me
Now in Christ, I stand complete

There have been occasions in my life where I feel empty. It's funny, well maybe not that funny, how school, work, holidays, even friends and family can't fill you up. No amount of money in my bank account, no amount of good deeds, or perfect test scores can satisfy my soul.

There's a reason why Jesus tells the woman at the well that she can receive living water from him. It's the perfect analogy for what goes on in our hearts and our souls. There are times when my mouth is dry because I am so thirsty. Especially when I wake up. Then, once I drink a glass of water, my mouth and my stomach are hydrated once again. Even a drop of water or small sip can change the texture of my tongue from sandpaper to moist.

When I go a day without prayer, without sitting down in a quiet spot with the Lord, without singing songs of praise, without reading from scripture, my soul feels so empty and dry; like my stomach without water.

I'm not sure if you've ever read the story about Jesus and the woman at the well, but you should check it out. (John 4) It's beautiful. Jesus was a wise man and using the metaphor living water to describe how his grace and mercy gives us life is simply perfect.

Living water. Typing that out refreshes me. I get so caught up in this world sometimes. I forget that good deeds, kind words, and hard work won't cover my dirty stains caused by sin. The song lyrics above really brought about this post that I'm writing. It connects so well with what is going on in my heart. "I was chasing healing when I'd been made well, I was fighting battles when you conquered hell, Living free but from a prison cell, Lord, I lay it down today." I have forgotten that the battle has been won. The good fight, though it is still waged, has ultimately been won. I battle the dumbest things compared to the battle Jesus fought, and won.

Eventually, you have to stop and realize that you're afraid, that fear has entangled your heart, but you have no reason to fear. Fear holds us back from the amazing things God has given us. Fear has kept me from helping others and loving others to the fullest. Fear puts up walls around my heart. In all honesty, I'm afraid of a lot of things. But today I remember that I have been set free and his living water is bubbling up out of me, his armor covers my body, and my heart rejoices because the good fight has been won. Today, the walls around my heart must come down. There's more than enough grace for that.

Joshua 1:9- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Isn't it strange the different talents and gifts God gives his people, you and me. I love how God can change something that could potentially be evil to bring glory to him. Ever since I was a child I have been very active. I loved playing sports. I love basketball, volleyball, and swimming. I loved being able to use my height (I'm 5'10) and having an advantage over others. I loved the feeling of pushing my body to the extreme. Like anything though it's so simple to get burnt out. So by my senior year of high school I wasn't playing as many sports and not nearly as dedicated. I had gained some weight; not very much but to my high school self it was a TON. I started by eating less greasy food and being more active, running, lifting weights now and then. Then I wanted to lose even more weight. I did excessive amounts of cardio and watched everything I ate. I stuck to veggies as much as possible. I became addicted to having the perfect waist size. I wanted to look like a Victoria Secret model. I would push myself to be a certain weight. It became an idol. It stole away from the inner beauty God had put inside of me. I remember one day while showering strands of my hair coming out and I rinsed shampoo from my hair. I was eating food but not enough to supply by body with the nutrients it needed.

God knows the heart well though. He knows us even when don't quite know ourselves. I remember the first time I had a conversation with Drew. He made me laugh and I thought he was super cute. Little did I know God had a plan neither of us knew would happen. A couple months after we started dating Andrew told me how he thought I was too thin and he told me I needed to eat more. I had no idea he felt that way. Since he is a personal trainer I thought he didn't think I was thin enough or in good enough shape. I admired him for his honesty. I added more protein to my diet and didn't worry as much about what I was eating (or how much). He also introduced me to lifting weights. At first I did it for him but then I fell it love with it. It connected me in a way to God that I didn't think lifting weights could connect someone. I began my workouts asking for God's help, asking him to give me strength. I know it may sound silly but lifting weights has shown my body and my mind that it can push through anything. I was revealed how powerful God created us to be. It's a beautiful experience when you feel your muscles burn and you realize that God created this muscle you're using.

I love my curves now. I love that I can eat and not worry if my waist is small enough. God used Andrew to teach me that I am beautiful. I don't have to put my heart into being a certain size. God created a women's body to be strong and curvaceous. He gave us hips so we can bare children and muscles to carry them in our arms and chase them with our legs. Don't be ashamed of the body God gave you. Don't be afraid to strengthen your body either. Lifting weights keeps me healthy, strengthens my muscles and my mind, releases stress, and gives me some great curves. I'm thankful God uses others to change our lives in significant ways. If it weren't for God placing Andrew in my life I don't know where my body would be. Jesus already overcame the world, don't be afraid to go beyond what you think you can. P.S. The only way you'll look like a scary muscle head lady is if you do steroids :)

Stained Glass

“People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It’s so easy to get comfortable in life. Now I don’t mean comfortable as in a warm blanket comfortable, I’m thinking more of a relaxed, safe feeling. You have your house, your job, your family, your tv, plenty of food to eat; everything is “perfect.” That’s what our culture teaches us, to be comfortable and relaxed; work, work, work so you can buy more stuff. Go through the motions to have more “things”. Things don’t last, but adventures do. Recently in my life I've felt too comfortable. I've lived in the same town, same house my whole life. I've traveled all over the world but that only lasts for a couple weeks and then I’m right back to comfortable. Recently I've felt a nudge from God, a whisper to my soul, to seek more and to not fear getting uncomfortable. The definition for uncomfortable is:

1. Experiencing physical discomfort. 2. Ill at ease; uneasy. 3. Causing anxiety; disquieting.

Think of all the uncomfortable situations Jesus was in. He ate supper with men who swindled the poor, he healed people with leprosy, he went from town to town staying in strangers homes, and he was murdered for people who did not deserve his kindness or his mercy. He lived an uncomfortable life. But his life was wonderful, inspiring, and beautiful. Jesus’ life was an adventure. Think about how his life would have been if he had stayed in Bethlehem from the day he was born working to have a home, never seeking the broken, and using the gift of the Holy Spirit, the same spirit that lives inside of us. What if he didn’t follow the adventure and the journey God laid out for him? Thousands of people would have gone unhealed and generations of people wouldn't have experienced the love and the passion of an intimate relationship with our heavenly father. The bible tells us, and Jesus tells us, to live a life like he did. He says to be imitators of him. (1 Corinthians 11:1).

“Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.” 1 john 2:6

The quote I gave at the beginning is a great example of who we can be. You may sparkle and shine at your church or in the same town you’ve lived in your whole life. Maybe you sparkle and shine with your group of friends because that’s where you feel most comfortable. What happens though when you leave the sunshine and enter into a dark world, will your light shine then? I want my light to shine bright in those dark places, I want it to bring hope and love to those who have been consumed by the darkness. I can’t do that if I’m constantly surrounded by other lights. So here’s to mixing my life up, a new season, and an adventure; here’s to being uncomfortable. God will open doors up if you ask him too, he wants to take you on an amazing adventure. Don’t let being comfortable steal this away from you, YOU are meant to shine.

This post is dedicated to Andrew Matthews for reminding that life isn’t about being comfortable but taking chances and trusting God. Thanks for reminding me that life is an adventure. I love you so very much.

Keep on Keeping On

You call me out upon the waters The great unknown where feet may fail And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand


And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine


Your grace abounds in deepest waters Your sovereign hand Will be my guide Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me You've never failed and You won't start now


So I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander And my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior


I will call upon Your Name Keep my eyes above the waves My soul will rest in Your embrace I am Yours and You are mine.


When we’re in the midst of depression and desperation it’s so easy to be angry at God. It’s so easy to feel weak and alone. Sometimes as a Christian I feel as if everything should go the right way, happily ever after every step of the way, no heart break or sadness. In this world though there are going to be times of brokenness. Financial trouble, divorce, the loss of a child, a friend leaving your life, the love of your life walking away from you but this is a vital time to realize that you are precious, that you are worth something., that even though things look grim God has a magnificent plan. By giving him control, by honoring, by serving him, by pursuing him he will put favor upon your life. He will not leave you to fight alone but through the holy spirit you have power within that will stand through every single battle, every single storm. It’s so easy to let the flesh take control and let emotions overcome but let the spirit lead you from the temptation to give into fear. There may be moments where you break down, where you cry your eyes out, where you’re full of anger and frustration but resist the temptation to let it control you and instead lay it down at the feet of the cross. This will not be an easy decision, this will not change things immediately but when you continue to make this choice, a peace will come, blessings will come, and things you didn’t even imagine will happen. Doors will open. And never be afraid to take a step of faith when something comes along. Take a chance, do what the rest of world wouldn’t do. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself help someone else, be a blessing. Today I still feel broken and I honestly wouldn’t mind sitting at home crying my eyes out and eating my body weight in ice cream but all that would leave me with is puffy eyes and feeling fat. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for me to live like that. He died so I could live life. So here’s to choosing the cross no matter what the current situation life is in.


So today look in the mirror and say, I'm beautiful, I'm amazing, I'm confident, I'm strong, I'm successful, I'm redeemed, I'm alive, I'm blessed. Whatever doubts are in your heart about yourself do not let them define you.


And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10


Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

Love Stories

Ever since I was a little girl I've been fascinated by romance. I started reading love stories between Anne and Gil from Anne of Green Gables, Laura Ingalls and Almanzo, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth; the couples could go on and on. There's something beautiful about love stories don't you think? What girl doesn't want to be given flowers or cooked a candlelit meal and have a beautiful song dedicated to them. We all desire someone to be our companion, our confident, our best friend, and our soul mate.

I've read A LOT of books on relationships and many of them have really wonderful tips on how to love someone and do it "right". But I don't think that's how God designed us. He didn't design us to all have the exact same story, he didn't design us to be the same. So I realize now that me and Andrew are creating our own love story and it is beautiful, all on its own without me reading 5 relationship books a week. Part of the story is making mistakes but getting stronger while you work through things. It's about forgiving that person and choosing to do better next time. It's about humility. It's about honor. It's about growth. Love shouldn't age like milk, it should age like fine wine; getting better each week, each month, each year.

I used to be the type of girl who wanted to fix people. Instead of using my energy to work on things in myself I would focus on what needed to be changed about them. But love isn't about being perfect. It isn't about doing everything right. Love is patient and love is kind. I've learned that when Andrew wants space, I should respect his time of space, because that is love. When my parents ask me to do some laundry, I should do it without a grumble, because that is love. When a friend makes a mistake, I should be her shoulder to cry on, because that is love. It can be so easy to become selfish and needy but love is greater than this. Love isn't expectations from the other person. Love is a gift. A beautiful gift of grace from God. When you love someone you trust them, you respect them, you encourage them, you forgive them. And we are called to love everyone. There's a story in the bible regarding men throwing stone at a woman. But they could not throw the stone because they had all sinned just as she had. And then, Jesus, the one who is pure and righteous, not a sin upon his heart, chose love.

The best book I've gotten relationship advice from is the bible. There isn't books specifically on romance, or dating, or all of the worldly names we give things but there is some great advice for a solid foundation to build on. It all starts with Jesus. The lover of our soul. God created us with love, you were created by love, and then when sin came along and tried to destroy us, God sent us Jesus and we were then saved by love. So our lives, whether single, dating, married, widowed is already part of the original love story. A love between a father and his children. Unconditional and forgiving. A love strong enough to soften the hardest of hearts.

1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

"Love is unselfishly choosing for another's highest good" -C.S. Lewis

Unsatisfied

That feeling of unhappiness rises up in my chest. I’ve been let down again. It feels like there’s no room for my heart to beat; I’m filled to the brim with unsatisfaction. Instead of seeking out the lord I pick up my phone and play a game of candy crush and temple run. I pin and pin again on pinterest. I seek out whoever I have hurt or whoever has hurt me to fix what has happened on my own. I whisper a small prayer to God not acknowledging his presence and seeking his wisdom. I don’t find a secret place to communicate with him, I seek out the world; the world of sin, of evil, of all things that hurt me and cause destruction. I ask for forgiveness, half heartedly. I seek the comfort of a kid’s movie and hot tea but not the word of God. And then the pain is too much so I ask him what I am doing wrong and if he can reveal to me how I have become the monster I’ve become and he speaks one word to me: idolatry, the worship of something other than God; the devotion to something other than my savior.


Idolatry of anything other than God, people, clothes, beauty, sex(such as porn), music, books, marriage, your phone, other religions, friendships all lead to destruction. I was reading through Romans and Romans 1 talks about idolatry leading to homosexuality. It leads to brokenness. It leads to loneliness and anger and envy. God alone can fill our hearts. We were not designed to worship anything other than him. 1 Corinthians 10:14 warns us by saying, “So, dear friends, carefully avoid idol-worship of every kind.” When I thought of idolatry I pictured people from the Old Testament bowing down to a Golden ox. But God has whispered to my heart revealing to me that my bitterness comes not from people and this world but from my idolizing them. It comes from my lack of giving ALL of my worship to him. It comes from having too high of expectations, from seeking satisfaction from this world over satisfaction of a relationship with the prince of peace.


A man or a woman isn’t going to fill up our souls. It can’t breathe life into us. God created relationships to be gifts. To love selflessly. To give good to the people you love. (Husbands, wives, children, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends.) When we begin to idolize people we expect them to fill us up. We become needy. We go against true love. What happens when we seek a love from the father and we worship him alone? This happens: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This is how what I want my heart to reflect. And it will only reflect that when I put my heart into his hands. I don’t want only to say the words I love you to my loved ones , I want them to see it in my actions. Thank you Jesus that you love me and can change my heart.


So if today you feel lonely and lost ask God if maybe you’re idolizing things of this world and not giving your heart to him alone. I know it’s hard to think that there could be idolatry in our culture today but that’s exactly what the devil wants us to believe. He wants to use the little things we do and enoy to steal us away and destroy who God has created us to be. Thankfully we have a loving and forgiving God who gently guides and loves us with a power we will never fully understand. Nothing we do can separate us from him. So wherever you are in your walk, he’s waiting to talk to you, to bring you joy, to give you, yes you, an AMAZING life. No matter how badly you’ve messed up, there is no sin that can keep you from his presence. I’ve messed up…a lot! But his mercy is beautiful and powerful. He is a kind daddy.


Father, Forgive me of the sin of idolatry. Forgive me for putting anything above you. Lord, I pray your spirit will fill the deepest depths of my heart and I will worship you alone. Reveal to me the idols I have worshiped. Lord, change my heart so that it desires you alone. Wash away the guilt with your blood and give me life. You are strong, you are good, you are mine; and I am yours. Your little girl who looks to you alone.

Go Away Past

It's so easy to hold on to the past. It's easy to hold on to past feelings, past relationships, past failures, past mistakes, past losses, past lies. The hard thing is to let go. The bible tells again and again to let go of the past. Jesus didn't die on the cross in order for us to obsess over our past mistakes. He died on the cross so we could live. Being in a new relationship and falling in love has brought back emotions that I experienced in the past. By continually thinking and dwelling on these past memories and feelings I beat myself and made myself feel sick and anxious. Does God intend for us to live like this? No. By allowing the past to get into our thoughts and our hearts, we are not focusing on the amazing things God has in store for us NOW. Instead of preparing for the future, we are living in the past. Lay down your burdens. Lay down your past on the altar. Allow Jesus' blood to cover who you used to be. God doesn't see you as you used to be. He doesn't see you as destined to your same past failures. He wants you to live. He knows we are worn but we can find rest in him. He will give our spirit rest. He loves you. He loves me. In his eyes we are worth more than Gold. I have trouble letting fear and doubt speak lies into me. Remember your foundation, remember your truth. Everyday is a new day. Everyday you must pick up your cross. Read your bible. Share little whispers with the almighty king. Embrace the grace he so lovingly gave. Be still and let the holy spirit speak to your heart. Put on your armor. We are in a war. Not against flesh and blood but against evil spirits of this world that want to destroy us. You are more that what your past says you are. You are not destined to a road of failure but you are destined to a life bringing glory to God. Trust him. Let him be your roots. Let him search your heart. He is good. A past crush didn't work out? Thank God for shutting that door. You didn't get the job, don't be afraid to try again. You found the one but your afraid it will turn out like your past relationship, trust God. You can't let go of that sin you committed, be thankful you are forgiven and forgive your self. Let go. Just let go and let God do his thing. Because believe me, when you trust and when you believe, some really amazing things will start happening in your life.  “Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?” Isaiah 43:18 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 Live boldy. Live fearlessly. Live like Jesus. Oh and don't forget to love!